Rekindling romance in old friendships

I have spent a wonderful evening with my college (and even primary school!) friends. It started at 7pm and ended at 3am in a nightclub. It felt like I had been waiting for that reunion without even knowing it.

I finished the first draft!

Yes! Goodie girl, you got to pat yourself on the shoulder for that! Two months of hardcore work are now completed. It's still pretty flawed but at least I have my damn short fiction movie written in full dialogued version. Finally! Time for a good night sleep and then proofreading! Can't wait!

Full moon

This full moon is like a midnight sun. It has illuminated my night and I am today as never before.

An evening at Bongo Joe Records

What you see below are the photographs I took before filming a concert at Bongo Joe Records, one of my favorite place downtown. If you're curious to know who was performing that day, check this link on my website. It's been a blast attending this long-awaited show and working and sharing what I love the most (music) with people I deeply fond.

After months of rollercoaster moods, I feel quite indifferent these days and I have to say it is doing me good. I could probably spend the rest of my life cultivating this sense of detachment, simply observing events as they unfold without resisting them. But my life is also meant to be experienced while I am emotionally attached. Making films, taking pictures is about standing somewhere in-between.

Wearing glasses... and seeing more clearly!

My eyesight has weakened pretty significantly lately. Not only did I have to wear my old glasses again to work on the computer but I missed some important appointments the other day as well, simply because I couldn't read the hour properly. I am getting older and so is my cristalline lens and it feels weird. Sigh.

Every time I get slowed down like I was this week, I get some sort of revelation about something. It just occurred to me that there is a direct link between how people treat me and how I perceive myself. So, I should stop attracting situations that cause me to have to defend and explain myself and therefore start to be very nice with myself. Does this make sense to you?

Me and my me on a selfie at 1:00am

Before We Vanish

Sankofa

Sankofa is a bird which appears frequently in Ghana traditional art and translates as "go back and get it", or in other words "learn from your mistakes". I went to a fair in Parc Barton two weeks ago and bought a necklace and pendant with this exact symbol. I believe this is spot-on.

Insomnia (slight return)

It's 4.45am and I can't sleep. Same as usual. I wake up and head for the kitchen. Writing is the activity waiting for me right next to the warm baby-bottle, for I feel like a complete toddler again. Crying, hurting, complaining (see previous posts) but also smiling for nothing and enjoying this incarnation like crazy. What's going on with me? I have no idea. And the funniest thing is that I know that I am not the only one experiencing these weird fits of emotions and mood swings. It's a group thing.

Remembering San Fran days

Every once in a while I get this well-known bite of nostalgia of my days in San Francisco and the Tenderloin neighborhood. Today this particular song from local band Swell came on rattling like a snake.

I found a pearl in a shell

Doing my paperwork and Sunday laundry to this. This is mother of pearl. My favorite song of his.
Full support to this beautiful soul and Genevan musician! I am just so proud to be surrounded by incredible artists!



See also the homemade clip, timelapse galore

Another effing Saturday night

It's past 11pm. I just came back from a party I was supposed to attend 'til late tonite. I wanted to have fun but just couldn't. I am so tired of going out alone, almost all the time. These pages have had less and less connection with my film projects lately. That's sad. No one cares, I guess, about my rants.

No shit. Aren't you bored yet? Thanks for reading me. I think I am going to change temporarily the name of this site and turn it into "how I'm dealing with solitude" or should I rather say, if I were honest, "my ill-fated attempts to connect emotionnally with male human beings". Yeah right. You probably sensed it. It is about men.

As if some vortex or multidimensional gateway had just opened or something, I've been in touch with seven men over the past three weeks. Date, ex, colleague, pretender, friend, brother. They were all so nice and friendly. Like "hey, how are you doing? thanks for you're doing to me". Except something felt really really off.

For instance, one man has been calling me every six months or so, since 2007. Completely out of the blue and unsollicited requests to "just have a cup of coffee". Tired of this whole thing, I decided to confront him last year, asking if he wanted something more "than just a cup of coffee". He, of course, denied wanting anything else. Last weekend, he invited me over to his place to take pictures of his garden in bloom. Like duh. And again, in complete out of the blue and unsollicited fashion. I declined the offer this time and he sort of went a little angry.

Oh yeah. I know what you might say. I should be flattered that a man of his class (he is a wealthy well-read and very good-looking retired city attorney) has showed that much interest for so long. I should also take lightly the fact that he is married, right? Well, I wouldn't question this whole thing so much, if it wasn't that painful. Feeling so disconnected with someone is not only annoying, it hurts like shit. It is not him, but the disconnection that is killing me. All I am asking is real transperency. I mean, emotional transperency because emotions is where lies the truth of who you are.

I guess you are now laughing at this point in your reading of this blog. So I am gonna spare you with the details on why I got caught on a "funny how I can talk easily with you but I don't want anyting serious" date again. Or how the ex who raped me, requested my friendship on Facebook because, quote, he "bumped accidently on my profile" and "wanted to know what I was up to after all these years".

Deep down, I know they mean no harm and that they do what they do, because I allow them to. I just can't pretend I don't see anything. The bullshitting I can smell so strong from miles away, is making me sick. They're not even aware of the harm they're doing by "hiding", "exagerating", "minimizing", "rationalizing", "denying" who they really are, just to get away with it. Maybe I should be the one showing the example, instead of complaining. I should tell them what I feel, even if it's super ugly.

Don't get me wrong on this. The men I am talking about here, are very different from each other. And so are my experiences with each of them. It's not facts but an overall vibe that I am trying to describe. Me feeling frustrated of not making friends. All I want is to feel love again. I would like to love these men. Deeply. Freely. With all my heart. But I can't do that alone. I can't.

Thanks for bearing with me. Time to go to bed.

Another Friday night

Despite physical fatigue, it's been a wonderful week! Too bad Friday nights (and then weekends) have to come in-between. Hating Friday nights is a logical consequence of extreme solitude, I guess. No. Being on my own at the end of the week doesn't feel like downtime at all. It feels lonely.
It started in 2005. One of my closest friend ever called it quit after twenty-five years of friendship. She said she couldn't stand me anymore. It took place while I was at the darkest night of my soul.
 Time has passed. And this traumatizing event helped me to grow. I just never had a chance to trust anyone since then.

It's the same shit every Friday night. I just don't know who to call anymore. I do have friends, colleagues, family and even lovers expressing the desire to spend some time with me. It's a two-sided thing and it feels good to have them around. But that's the problem, there are only "around" and I want them to be "inside". How can you ask someone to be that close to me?

Am I crazy? Am I sick? I've phoned the suicide hotline, asked therapists. What can I do about it? Join circles with people sharing your interests, they say. Have a new haircut. Buy yourself some new clothes. Go to nature. Meditate. Let it go. Damn, I am so tired of being lectured and served the same old pieces of advice. How can I let go of that desire that be close to someone on a daily basis? The only thing that has worked for me so far, is to drown, burn, wallow inside the feeling. Solitude is a killer. And I'll be dead tomorrow and reborn next Monday into Hypocrite World of Mine.

Selfies for a cure

Oh God, I feel so angry this morning. I woke up to the feeling and it's horrible. I need to recollect. Taking and posting selfies is what it takes to medicate myself. That's self-help. Therapy. Sorry not sorry.

About solitude

Solitude. Solitude is not about being alone physically or something, its about being unable to nest into the thought of someone else. I have tried many times lately, but no, I can't think about anyone and feel safe altogether. Maybe that's how it's supposed to be. Maybe there's a hidden truth to it. I have experienced that I had to stand in the middle of the fire (for extreme solitude is a fire) and let go of my expectations and anything I believe I am, in order to stand again and become one. I understand that, this is what people call God. But there is always a point when God doesn’t seem to be enough anymore and there, bam! hits the craving for connecting with someone again. Story of my life. Will it change anytime soon?

Sunday and shitloads of paperwork on the treadmill

I know. Long time no read. So here is a quick one before I go back to work.
I am spending Sunday at home for I have to prepare some fundraising documents for a project. I haven't done this in years and I am quite excited about it.

It's been a crazy week. I had a conversation with Emilie, one of my father's former girlfriend. The simple thought of my dad having a sexual life is so surpringly healing. But that's not all. Guess what? I might be working on a film set soon and get paid for that. Isn't great? Also, I just met an incredible man called Bo. I hired him for a little job and I just can't wait to become his friend.

Life is beautiful and furious, and feels like a fast hotrod I am being dragged by.
In the mood for :

Friends and a beam of light

From left to right, Iris, Olivier (taking the picture) and me, on our way to the train station.

And suddenly, some gorgeous light poured in through the clouds and snap!

New beginnings

I felt hurt by people I fond deeply this summer. This heartbreak seemed like a blackout. It's been a reset of my belief systems and, believe or not, I am thankful. I was probably too proud to admit that I needed this. Now I feel brand new.
Plenty of stuff coming up. Check my website and my Facebook page!

http://www.susu-prod.com

https://www.facebook.com/susu.prod

Flowers!

I had a stroll in my favorite and secret place in Geneva last Thursday. Because of the rather cold weather condition that has prevailed over the past weeks, there were few flowers in bloom but the ones that were visible looked absolutely fabulous. Have a look!

Ajuga genevensis :

Orchis simia :

Late night selfie

This is me somewhere between 9pm and 10pm in my living-room. Who is that woman? I am having such a hard time relating to my own reflection in the mirror. How can I get in peace with it?

Yesterday's tarot spread

I am not comfortable with tarot reading because no matter what, it has unconscious influence on my thinking and decision making. This discomfort is surely related to how confident I am on the subject I am investigating on. And since I am usually not confident about myself or anything when I do tarot reading (who bothers using cards anyway when sure about something, huh?).

Knowing that I am at a crucial point in my professional life, my soul sister and best friend, Sophie, convinced me to do a reading with her yesterday night while we were at the restaurant. She drew four cards from her deck and this is what came out. What do you think?