It is awkward to admit to myself that I need to be recognized, but it is even more awkward to admit it to someone, especially when people around never really say what they really feel about me and what I do.
Oh for sure, I do get opinions about my appearance, my behaviour and my work as therapist or artist, but opinions are just opinions. They are impersonal and just scratch the surface for the most part. Being recognized is something way different. It valides what we do makes sense, it communicates we are indeed here, that we exist and allows us to see our experience on this planet in a meaningful way. The best example to me would be when someone points at a gesture or expression that we made purposefully while expressing she or he is feeling concerned too. How many times do we experience that in our everday life ? I must say I haven't for a long time which probably explains why I feel so split inside in my sense of self and undergoing this major crisis in my creative process.
Granted, I have been hiding that need of recognition thinking that it was foolish. And instead of doing something about the parts of my life that remained unfulfilled and unsatisfied, l held back on my desires for fear of reprisal and reacted to the world and others with unrecognized pain. I eventually found myself having to perform, entertain, be nice, be bad, funny, studious, quiet and obedient, or any number of ways that I have come to believe I should be, to just draw attention.
Last nite I had a wonderful conversation with an almost complete stranger. It made me understand that getting recognition starts with a curiosity about my own truth and with shaking bones to take the risk to put that forward. Time to move on.