Sunday, April 2, 2017

Another effing Saturday night

It's past 11pm. I just came back from a party I was supposed to attend 'til late tonite. I wanted to have fun but just couldn't. I am so tired of going out alone, almost all the time. These pages have had less and less connection with my film projects lately. That's sad. No one cares, I guess, about my rants.

No shit. Aren't you bored yet? Thanks for reading me. I think I am going to change temporarily the name of this site and turn it into "how I'm dealing with solitude" or should I rather say, if I were honest, "my ill-fated attempts to connect emotionnally with male human beings". Yeah right. You probably sensed it. It is about men.

As if some vortex or multidimensional gateway had just opened or something, I've been in touch with seven men over the past three weeks. Date, ex, colleague, pretender, friend, brother. They were all so nice and friendly. Like "hey, how are you doing? thanks for you're doing to me". Except something felt really really off.

For instance, one man has been calling me every six months or so, since 2007. Completely out of the blue and unsollicited requests to "just have a cup of coffee". Tired of this whole thing, I decided to confront him last year, asking if he wanted something more "than just a cup of coffee". He, of course, denied wanting anything else. Last weekend, he invited me over to his place to take pictures of his garden in bloom. Like duh. And again, in complete out of the blue and unsollicited fashion. I declined the offer this time and he sort of went a little angry.

Oh yeah. I know what you might say. I should be flattered that a man of his class (he is a wealthy well-read and very good-looking retired city attorney) has showed that much interest for so long. I should also take lightly the fact that he is married, right? Well, I wouldn't question this whole thing so much, if it wasn't that painful. Feeling so disconnected with someone is not only annoying, it hurts like shit. It is not him, but the disconnection that is killing me. All I am asking is real transperency. I mean, emotional transperency because emotions is where lies the truth of who you are.

I guess you are now laughing at this point in your reading of this blog. So I am gonna spare you with the details on why I got caught on a "funny how I can talk easily with you but I don't want anyting serious" date again. Or how the ex who raped me, requested my friendship on Facebook because, quote, he "bumped accidently on my profile" and "wanted to know what I was up to after all these years".

Deep down, I know they mean no harm and that they do what they do, because I allow them to. I just can't pretend I don't see anything. The bullshitting I can smell so strong from miles away, is making me sick. They're not even aware of the harm they're doing by "hiding", "exagerating", "minimizing", "rationalizing", "denying" who they really are, just to get away with it. Maybe I should be the one showing the example, instead of complaining. I should tell them what I feel, even if it's super ugly.

Don't get me wrong on this. The men I am talking about here, are very different from each other. And so are my experiences with each of them. It's not facts but an overall vibe that I am trying to describe. Me feeling frustrated of not making friends. All I want is to feel love again. I would like to love these men. Deeply. Freely. With all my heart. But I can't do that alone. I can't.

Thanks for bearing with me. Time to go to bed.

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