Saturday, April 1, 2017

Another Friday night

Despite physical fatigue, it's been a wonderful week! Too bad Friday nights (and then weekends) have to come in-between. Hating Friday nights is a logical consequence of extreme solitude, I guess. No. Being on my own at the end of the week doesn't feel like downtime at all. It feels lonely.
It started in 2005. One of my closest friend ever called it quit after twenty-five years of friendship. She said she couldn't stand me anymore. It took place while I was at the darkest night of my soul.
 Time has passed. And this traumatizing event helped me to grow. I just never had a chance to trust anyone since then.

It's the same shit every Friday night. I just don't know who to call anymore. I do have friends, colleagues, family and even lovers expressing the desire to spend some time with me. It's a two-sided thing and it feels good to have them around. But that's the problem, there are only "around" and I want them to be "inside". How can you ask someone to be that close to me?

Am I crazy? Am I sick? I've phoned the suicide hotline, asked therapists. What can I do about it? Join circles with people sharing your interests, they say. Have a new haircut. Buy yourself some new clothes. Go to nature. Meditate. Let it go. Damn, I am so tired of being lectured and served the same old pieces of advice. How can I let go of that desire that be close to someone on a daily basis? The only thing that has worked for me so far, is to drown, burn, wallow inside the feeling. Solitude is a killer. And I'll be dead tomorrow and reborn next Monday into Hypocrite World of Mine.

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